You Can Do Anything, But You Can’t Do Everything
listen to me read this blog post here:
I wish I could remember where I heard or read the insight: “You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.” I decided this should be my mantra, especially during the holiday season. The words both encourage us to create tremendous goals for ourselves, but also acknowledge we are humans with limitations. I think the quote is asking us to be kind to ourselves instead of self-flagellating when we fail at doing the impossible.
Like so many people, I am in a perpetual state of overwhelm and overstimulation. The older I get the less patience I have with loud noise, being told what to do, trying to figure out what to make for dinner, technology (why doesn’t the printer ever work, why is my storage ALWAYS full and why is my laptop doing updates every time I restart it?!), social media (I really don’t want to download another new platform!), incessant texts (please don’t be offended if I don’t text you back right away; just assume I am driving because I probably am and will forget to get back to you), an inundation of emails (I should have opened a new email account just for promos years ago!), digital clutter (SO many screenshots and junk images like Costco products I sent to my husband while grocery shopping …all backed up on my google photos!) and just drama in general.
How does anyone have the space in their brains for all of this? I think I must have developed ADD/ADHD or perhaps have always had a high functioning version of it! I will put a pin in that and explore the possibility in a future post. Perhaps it is perimenopause.
Images: My current mantra in sharpie in my sketchbook, Flashback to a multitasking moment with my son in a baby sling and my first smartphone in hand, Garbage photos like this Costco sign fills my phone storage contributing to the state of overwhelm caused by technology, Happy my kids play music but also why I might be impatient with loud sounds now, Not sure if I am in a state of relaxation or overwhelm here, I am 100% a mom of boys
Demands spilleth over all year round and I am always running on empty. For me, it is mainly due to being a full time stay-at-home mother of three boys, a household with continuous needs, volunteer commitments, self-imposed deadlines to reach personal goals and real deadlines to reach career goals.
So, I would add more to the quote: you can do anything, but not everything AND not all at once. Even if a few things CAN be done all at once, they probably SHOULDN’T be done all at the same time. Multitasking is for the birds. Even if things “get done” they can’t possibly be our BEST work unless it is the sole thing we are focusing on doing. I could be wrong there, but my experience tells me otherwise.
As I get older, I see the value in focusing on giving undivided attention to one person, one conversation, one task or one project at a time.
More and more, I try to be more intentional about my screentime and I happily put aside my beloved smartphone. It has become such a crutch I carry like an extra appendage. My phone is always demanding my attention, silently screaming at me to reply to texts, emails, messages, and to post on social media. It isn’t rational, but because I enjoy what everyone else is sharing I almost feel obligated to reciprocate! To consume my “newsfeed” and not share, feels voyeuristic. I don’t like that feeling. It is amazing the phone can drive such strong emotions. I shouldn’t feel guilty for being OFF my phone, yet here we are.
Does anyone else get those jarring texts in all capital letters, “IS EVERYTHING OK? I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU IN A LONG TIME!” Obligatory responses to these 9-1-1 texts from people who genuinely love and care about you, (which 20 years ago would have been a casual, chill voicemail) really start sucking up time. The day can just slip away as replies are written to keep your network of people at homeostasis.
Scrolling social media also at this point is mandatory to stay involved with school/ church/ community happenings, connected with family and friends near and far, and parental monitoring duties.
I know it is important to stay informed, the phone seems to be the most efficient and reliable tool for doing so. I can’t be alone in how exhausting these expectations are. The candle burns from both ends. The litmus test for me is this question: Is this the best use of your time right now? If the answer is a resounding “no”, I move on to something more important.
When screentime hours pop up as a notification Sunday morning, I shake my head and feel depressed that my eyes are locked into that screen for so many hours per day. Even when I ignore that phone, my average screen time is 3 or 4 hours a day. How is that possible? That adds up to 1,460 hours a year, or about 61 days or 2 months! I can’t wrap my head around those numbers. In fact, I will have to have my husband check the numbers, because it is just difficult to believe.
Images: The best use of my time will always be with my family
I have always felt proud of my organized, methodical, productive way of living. I am a master of task lists. Completing tasks is very satisfying. I would argue being productive gives us a sense of self-worth.
However, being productive and busy are two very different things. Valuing busyness gives a false sense of accomplishment. Whatever gets done today kind of gets undone by tomorrow: dishes, laundry, feeding the family are all examples. It can and does drive one crazy to participate in this kind of Groundhog Day. Productivity can look different for each of us: maybe being still and sitting with our thoughts can be very productive for some.
When I had children, any sense of control I felt turned on its head. When they were little, I was prepared for MOST of the situations. I thought I was in control, and it felt SO good! The diaper bag had everything I could possibly need: wipes, hand sanitizer, diapers (duh), snacks, change of clothes, the plastic thingy to put them on when you are changing them, toys, books, crayons, etc.
By the third kid, I had it down to a science. I didn’t overpack and rarely forgot anything. Once they were potty trained, I burned that diaper bag and became prepared in other ways. I made sure we always had plenty of storybooks in the car and devices were charged for road trips and that every kid was physically exhausted by the time we would depart. Water bottles and the snack bag were packed and accessible. Apart from the unexpected stomach bug rearing its ugly head, my husband and I knew how to make a five hour road trip to the Adirondacks go smoothly.
As the boys got older, I let go of some of my crippling perfectionism. I made them pack their own water and snacks (“if you don’t pack it, you won’t have it!!!” I would yell at them leaving the house). LEGO, Thomas the Train toys and Matchbox cars would stay sprawled all over the floor of my home. I started to not care about cleaning up after them because the endlessness of it started taking a toll on my sense of peace. I felt like an unpaid maid, not a mother. I think this is when I started learning the lesson of “you can do anything, but you can’t do everything, and not all at once”. Why would I want to? There is zero incentive to try and do it all.
Laundry would (and still does) pile four feet high and eight feet wide on the couch. I made the conscious decision to not sweat it until people in our house start running out of clean underwear and socks. Don’t judge me, but I’m sure my kids have dug through the dirty laundry basket in the morning to find sweatpants to wear to school when laundry wasn’t done (my children would rather wear dirty pants than any clean pants without an elastic waist).
I don’t think about the mess I live in until I get that text from my husband stating he invited friends over for dinner. I work well under pressure, though, and it’s amazing how picked up a house can get in 45 minutes if it needs to be cleaned.
Images: The endlessness of laundry with dimensions of 4’ x 8’, Let the laundry sit, Let’s sit around the laundry, A parade of car toys (let it be), The only thing worse than a kid with the stomach bug while traveling is the whole family getting sick too
At some point I came to the realization the best use of my time was stepping away from my career to be an “unpaid volunteer caretaker” of my children. Yes, I came up with that title, because “stay-at-home mom” wasn’t at all descriptive of what I was doing. “Stay-at-home mom” has a condescending - lazy even - connotation, even though it shouldn’t. It is a 24-7 job that takes a physical and mental toll. The boundaries of when you are working and not working are very blurry.
For our household, being the full-time caretaker of my children made more financial sense than working full or part time. The stress I could alleviate for my husband was priceless. His patience, compassion, and support for all the chapters in my journey has been critical. Being with my children for all the milestones and challenges has been priceless.
Being around to get my kids to and from school or cheering them on in their sports, helping them with schoolwork, being class parent, having home cooked meals ready to go, not worrying about calling out of work when someone is ill, keeping tabs on how the kids were doing socially, nipping issues in the bud, sensing emotional challenges and being present for that, all these details of managing a household with kids made sacrificing a career -at least temporarily- worthwhile. My only regret has been my struggle to DO LESS and enjoy the moments more.
I still have trouble grappling with the working/ “not” working “stay-at-home” mom debate. Let’s be totally clear: “Stay-at-home” moms get a lot of sh*t and “working” moms get a lot of sh*t.
I imagine “working” moms get aggressive comments like, “Isn’t it SO difficult to be away from your children so much”? (read: you must feel so guilty not being around for your kids). Meanwhile, “stay-at-home” moms get passive aggressive comments like, “must be nice to be home all the time!” (read: I’m jealous you don’t “have” to “work”). Meanwhile the truth is all mothers are working really f*ing hard doing everything, and wondering if we can truly do anything we dream about doing.
Truly, we are all full-time working mothers. Any other narrative is just BS. I have been a full-time working mother (both outside the home and inside the home), a “part time” working mother, a full time stay-at-home working mother and a part time working-from-home mother. It is all difficult and I wish our society would be kinder no matter the situation and acknowledge how hard we all work. I know all this on a cellular level, but I still get that pang in my chest when I am asked questions like, “Did you work today?” or “What do you do?”.
Above: So grateful for my partner’s compassion and support, My only regret is not enjoying the chaotic moments more, Being a “stay-at-home” mom is a special kind of loneliness, Accurate portrait of me by one of my kids, Something a friend posted on their social media that resonated with me, You’re not really drinking alone if your kids are home, My creative practice for me is taking breaks from laundry to paint, New Jersey art prints (State of Mine / Mind)
My observation is people think being a caretaker of your own children is a luxury and privilege.
In some ways it is. I appreciate that my family has figured out a way financially that I can stay home to do all the things. We live frugally to make it work. I can’t remember the last time I bought myself or my husband new clothes. We don’t go on vacations, we minimize how often we eat out, we manage house repairs ourselves, we do our own yard work, we buy pre-owned cars, we take advantage of rec sports instead of travel sports for the kids, and so much more.
In my experience, (when I had one child) working full time and having my children in daycare was when I had the most freedom. I would drop him off early in the morning and do my thing for the next 10 hours with no issue. The paycheck gave me a sense of self-worth. I never felt guilty about spending money on a nice lunch or new clothes.
Sometimes, but not often, I felt guilty about being absent from my child’s day. However, I knew being around other children and having educators focusing on my child was best for our family at that time.
After having my third child, giving up my job to be a full-time unpaid volunteer caretaker was and still is an uphill battle I do not regret. Stay-at-home moms try to do it all. We try to do everything, and often we feel trapped. We can’t do anything. The hamster wheel spins fast and unrelentingly. It can feel lonely, even when you’re never alone.
The “stay-at-home mom” narrative needs a bit of rebranding. Our days can feel long, uninspired and robotic. We are on autopilot and often feel under appreciated. Maybe it doesn’t take a degree to be a great mother, but it is basically an Olympic sport.
There is an inherent expectation (especially from “working” parents) for stay at home parents to be VERY involved in all the things- PTA, fundraisers, church committees, coaching, etc. because there is an assumption that “we have the time” because “we don’t work”.
By the time our children become more independent, we don’t recognize ourselves. Again, it can be a special kind of loneliness, even if we have community, friends, and are not technically alone. Kids’ behavior feels abusive at times. Those parenting books and suggested reels on social media can make you question your parenting capabilities. Teenagers spew words that cut deep and make you question everything you have done as a parent from the moment you found out you were pregnant. As they become grown and flown, it is natural we try to remember who we were before we were parents, who we are now and who we want to become.
I turned to tools I learned early in life: go for a run, check in on friends/family, make time to read a book…create! My art practice has been instrumental the last three years getting me through tough times of the COVID-19 pandemic but also modeling for my children what one can do when you have big emotions to process.
I am in a constant state of trying to get rid of the nonessential stuff and doing the best things for myself and my family. I would encourage anyone reading this all the way to the end, to give yourself permission to do anything you dream about doing, but also the grace to not feel like you have to do it all. What is that persistent inner voice nagging you to do? It’s time to stop silencing that voice and just get started.
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Stay inspired,
Melanka
