Rejection and Acceptance

listen to me read this blog post here:

Earlier this spring I stepped out of my comfort zone and submitted a mural design to the town of Asbury Park, New Jersey. Spoiler alert…my design was not selected.  Read to the end to see how the universe or some higher power (or simulation?!) had my back. In this blog post, I share my very normal human experience of rejection, my thoughts throughout the whole process and the roller coaster of emotions I encountered.  I think every reader will be able to relate.

Please don’t be sad for me!  My ego is not bruised.  I learned SO much.  I will be so much more efficient and confident for future submissions.  Also, there is no shortage of walls and things for me to paint.  Time is always the most limiting factor.

Asbury Park has been known in recent years as a creative hub with a long history (it is worth taking time to look up some fun facts online).  It is a super cool beach town that has gone through a tremendous renaissance.  When I was growing up, the turn-of-the-century gorgeous Victorian buildings of Asbury and surrounding residences were very much in disrepair. 

Frankly, it was also a dangerous place.  I heard about thefts, shootings, break-ins, muggings, stabbings and worse. As typical teens though, we felt safe in numbers and would venture out to go see bands at the Stone Pony.  Was anyone else in the audience (or mosh pit) of the Warped Tour in Asbury Park in 1996?  I think some of the bands included 311, Pennywise and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones…

Everywhere you look in Asbury, there is evidence of creativity and art showcased in unlikely spaces by people who want to both beautify a piece of the town and make the location interesting to an observer.  For example, a chain-link fence is decorated with eyes crocheted from yarn, a crosswalk is transformed into rainbow-colored stripes, the old carousal building repurposed into a gallery and, of course, murals on so many walls.  

Images: Crocheted eyes on a chain link fence on the beach, The entrance to the Paramount Theater at Conventional Hall on the boardwalk, The old Carousel building housing art installations, Two of many murals in Asbury Park, Imagery of the Stone Pony on boardwalk signage, The Steam Plant building near the Casino, The iconic Wonder Bar featuring a mural of the legendary grinning figure Tillie, A rainbow painted crosswalk

The location for the mural design I submitted is at the north end of the boardwalk right on the ocean at the Wastewater Treatment Facility, just past the infamous Convention Hall. There are four sections to the brick wall, each measuring 14’ in height and 21’ in length. Each panel is huge! I measured my fireplace wall at home, which is of comparable size, took a step back and envisioned myself painting it. 

Yes, I could paint a wall this big.

I thought about some differences between my fireplace wall and the Asbury Park wall. 

This project is outside, and I would have to deal with weather elements.  Ok, well then Melanka, pray for a mild, dry, wind-free May.

My mind raced with the excitement of possibilities.  

What would I need to paint something that size?  

Do we have a ladder that would allow me to reach the top? 

How would I transport the supplies while working on the project? 

There would be no storage onsite or running water to wash brushes.  

For every challenge I would face, I was already coming up with solutions. I watched a ton of YouTube videos about the best practices of painting outdoor murals, especially on textured surfaces like brick.  I am a researcher and nerd at heart.  Preparedness diminishes my anxiety. It turns out, painting brick is not the easiest task.  Thankfully this brick was already primed and painted, so that was helpful.  

I took myself on a field trip to the site.  I have never painted anything on this scale before and needed to see how feasible a project this was for me.  I didn’t want to bite off more than I could chew.  

“Am I crazy, or can I really do this?” I said aloud standing in front of the wall on a rainy day in March.  I took photos and videos. There are other murals on the side of the building, painted last year. There was even a mural entitled “Flower For Ukraine”, which made me want to cry.  I took it as a sign I should pursue this endeavor.

I noticed some of the other murals were painted by multiple artists. My friend Tanya Debarry and I have talked many times about collaborating on a project.  Painting this mural together sounded like the perfect opportunity for us. It would be memorable to spend the time together and help make the project do-able given the strict one-month deadline to complete the mural.

I started texting furiously, sending the videos and photos to Tanya. 

“What do you think Tanya?” 

She replied, “Hell yes! Let me know how I can help. I’m in.”

Images: “Flower For Ukraine” mural by @JUSTJUDIART with other murals at the Wastewater Treatment Facility in Asbury Park, The four panels on the Wastewater Treatment Facility waiting to be painted for the 2023 Mural Project, The north end of the boardwalk and site of the 2023 Mural Project, More murals on the Wastewater Treatment Facility painted in previous years

All the parents of children out there will understand the month of May is also one of the busiest months. On my calendar already I had field trips I was committed to chaperoning, sports events I had to attend, prom preparations, end-of-year shindigs, fundraisers, music banquets, 100th anniversary church picnic which I volunteered to head the face painting station, school concerts and other celebrations (like Mother’s Day and my birthday)!  

All good stuff, but commitments, nonetheless.  I just kept telling myself not to panic. 

Worry about it IF (and that is a big IF) the design is accepted.  

I work well (or at least more efficiently) under pressure. I had a lot of bantering thoughts before I finally decided to create a design and send a submission.  I read the request for proposal (RFP) countless times to make sure I understood the obligation. Maybe you relate to all this incessant self-talk when you are struggling with confidence or decision making?

I can do this. CAN I? I am not so sure.

I thought about all the muralists I admire…how cool would it be to leave my “footprint”, a legacy…a MESSAGE?! 

Yes! I want to do this. 

What should my message be? It can’t be political…that is against the rules. 

I just want my kids to be proud of me.  I want to see them point to the wall and hear them say, “my mom painted that”.  When I die, I don’t want them to say, “My mom washed dishes and did laundry all the time”.  While it is true, this is not the legacy I want to leave.

Painting a mural in this gem of a town WOULD be a great way to grow an audience of people who enjoy my work.

I am crazy, there is no way I can do this. I can’t even keep my house clean.

I would have to buy a lot of supplies I don’t own yet. Transporting everything daily is going to be a real pain in the ass. I have to start saving containers for paint, so I don’t have to haul a gallon up and down a ladder.

Hmmm…. there IS a stipend…but would it be enough?

I opened a spreadsheet and started budgeting for supplies. I searched for information online like “how much does a 5-gallon bucket of masonry paint primer cost”, “what paint is best for outdoor mural”.

How much of my own money would I have to spend? 

I will need a projector. The good ones are expensive, but it IS something I want anyway.  It would help with future projects… Plus, my kids would love streaming movies outside using the projector.

I better minimize the number of colors in the design to keep costs down and to make executing the mural easier.

What if I run out of time? (I would have to sign something to ensure it was done before Memorial Day…beach season opening). 

I WON’T run out of time.  Unless I get hurt.  

Gosh, my body will definitely be aching after spending a day on a ladder and contorting it.  

It will be worth it. 

I like to think of myself as an athlete.

Be conscious of movement.  Take breaks, wiggle toes. 

I read somewhere toes go numb if you spend a lot of time on a ladder. 

I am ready.

Call Mama and Tato (my parents) and ask if they will help paint if there is a time crunch.

The kids can help if you get desperate. 

The idea of them near gallons of outdoor paint gives me instant anxiety.

I read and reread the submission details for the millionth time. I called Tanya and told her I am not doing this without you. She encouraged me to take the next step.  I know we are a good team and stronger together. It took some pressure off when Tanya agreed.  She is a graphic designer.  I illustrated a few concepts over the next few days and started getting really frustrated with the one I wanted to use for this project.

I sent my latest draft to Tanya.  She loved the imagery and meaning.  She threw me a life raft by tweaking it, fine-tuning some lines, and adjusting some color choices to really make the shapes pop. Tanya also offered some variations of the illustration.  We incorporated some new elements strengthening the design. After texting images back and forth, it finally visually worked to our satisfaction.

We are great creative partners.  We both are open to one another’s feedback.  We don’t take criticism personally.  We are curious.  We communicate effectively.  We explore ideas without judgement.  We know when to give each other space.

Images: Our proposed mural design “Rise Up”

Next, we moved on to the less exciting parts of the proposal: artist biographies and a write-up about the concept. I shifted gears. I let out an audible groan as I opened a Word document on my computer and tapped into years of business and marketing experience. 

My husband saw what I was doing and noted how it reminded him of all the years he spent replying to RFPs as a civil engineer….he said 85% of your time is spent doing administrative work, 15% actual design work. How I was spending my time lately mirrored those numbers; I had not touched a paintbrush to a canvas in too long and was feeling depressed about this fact. I could see how a creative person might take one look at this application process and it would be a deal breaker:

F*ck it! This is too much work! 

I just want to create or paint. 

This tedious paperwork is for the birds.

I MAY have said one or more or all these things!

I didn’t let the administrative work stop me. I did not enjoy it, but my strengths are noticing details, relentlessly double checking (triple checking) for mistakes, fixing the smallest errors and printing again. I made extra copies (just in case coffee – or wine – gets spilled). I backed up files in three places.

Writing about one’s work is a skill I am honing.  It is rewarding when it is finished, but a difficult mental exercise when it is in progress. Wordsmithing makes my head hurt. I get agitated when I can’t find the right words to convey what I want to say.  

So much thought goes into the creation of artwork.  The artwork itself evolves as it is created.  Where I end up when a creation is complete is often not where I thought I would land. A whole journey occurs in the middle of art-making; so many twists and turns. A lot of problem solving happens. Writing a cohesive description about the finished product is challenging because there is a deeper story with each piece. For some reason I feel it does the piece an injustice if I don’t explain what it went through to be what it is.

How much of my thought process should be included?

[You can read the statement about the final mural design in its entirety here:  Rise Up]

The submission was complete!  It felt amazing to run to my local color copy store and organize all the paperwork into one beautiful envelope after several weeks of work (from start to finish). I always feel such contentment at this stage of the creative process.  I know I tried my best, and it is time to move on to the next project. 

It was another rainy day when I took the application to the clerk’s office at the municipal building. I asked my mom to accompany me because she is one of my biggest champions and cheerleaders.  I needed emotional support and encouragement.  She let me know I’m not crazy and the project will work out if it is meant to be.  

She always reassures me that I know what I am doing. “Very professional!” she says. Tanya squashes some self-doubt too, “We can totally do this!”

Also, it was convenient to have Mama wait in the car so I wouldn’t get towed or ticketed! 

The front door to the municipal building is locked.

Is this still a covid thing? 

Or maybe a mass shooter security thing? 

I awkwardly buzz what I believe to be the doorbell and sheepishly wave through the glass at the annoyed woman at the front desk. I stutter into the intercom, “Uhhhh….hi… I am here to drop off the application for the mural?” Question mark. “Damn it Melanka,” I said to myself, “Don’t say it like a question!  You are offering a valuable service to this town (basically for free)!”

She waved me in. I felt like I was a nuisance, like a horsefly that was finding its way into the building. 

I waited in line at the clerk’s office. There is a young couple in front of me dealing with some sort of identification /birth certificate challenge for their adorable toddler. They don’t speak English.  I feel empathetic they are having so much trouble getting what they need. The little one stares deep into my eyes and doesn’t look away for what felt like over 20 minutes…we had a silent dialogue while our eyes were locked.

It was as if this little girl was asking me, “Are you sure about this? You are willing to wait until my birth certificate gets sorted out to give the man behind the desk your precious envelope? I hope it’s a good design. It’s a long shot you know… SO.MANY.BEFORE.YOU.  I saw them here. What makes you special?”

I reply with my eyes.

Girlfriend…nothing makes me special.

Yet I know in my bones, I have something to give.

So, I will wait.  I will persist. 

Being stubborn might be my superpower.

I realize in this moment I can be so patient in lines for a long time because my imagination runs wild, and I can basically entertain myself to pass the time.

I was glad my mom was in my car because by now I would have probably been sick with anxiety that the parking people would have towed my car. My mother would have resisted towing of any kind and stood in front of the truck to prevent it from taking my car.  Or maybe she would have figured out how to start the car using the key FOB and just park somewhere else. 

It was finally my turn. It took two seconds for the clerk to grab my envelope, time stamp it and say, “Thank you… NEXT!

Anticlimactic. 

Mmmm’kay…bye, I guess?  

Are you sure you put my envelope in the correct mailbox?

Overall, it did feel good to go through this whole fire drill. It was a training session. Next time I submit a mural design to a town, it will be easier…like riding a bike. I will know what to do. I saw an opportunity, acted, and went through the necessary steps to get my art out into the public. I spent two weeks creating a concept, designing, refining, figuring out technical specs and finalizing a submission. I was proud of myself.

I wanted to participate in this community of artists that were creating in public spaces, where art can bring joy and make a difference in a community. It felt good to offer my service, no matter what the outcome.

Fast forward a few weeks…there was a date on the RFP indicating when selections would be announced. I received no word via email from the board, not even a confirmation they received my application.

Huh.

OK. 

Well…I will send a nice email.

I sent a message asking if artists were selected and if they received my submission.

I still received no word from the town. It was way past the selection date so I gracefully assumed I wasn’t selected…because I would have to be start painting in, like, a day or two…and would need to start painting PRONTO… if I were selected.

Ugh.

I checked my spam while I was waiting for my son to get on the bus one morning and still nothing, no communication, from anyone.  No email declining my services. 

So weird.

Is the town council this disorganized or did I mess something up in my proposal? 

The latter, I decided, is more probable.

I remembered later in the day on a grocery run, there must be monthly town board meeting public records I can access. As I loaded my reusable bags into the trunk, I slipped into private investigator mode. I plopped into the driver’s seat and started searching for board meeting minutes. 

Digging on the internet for a few minutes, I found a document with the artists selected.

Aha!  Here we go! Finally!  

Tanya and I were not selected.  

Womp, womp. My initial reaction was…boooooooo. It was surface level disappointment, then relief my calendar was suddenly more open.  I moved on with my busy day and my week with little emotion about the submission.  I knew from the beginning our chances were slim for several reasons.

First, the proposal request DID state residents of Asbury Park would be given preference (understandable).  Tanya and I are not residents of Asbury Park.

Second, there were bound to be a lot of applicants (I believe there ended up being 56), as the neighborhood beautification projects were not new, and Asbury does a good job of marketing these opportunities for artists.  

Lastly, Tanya and I are not well known artists and don’t have mural experience.  I probably wouldn’t choose us either on this fact alone!

I quickly got over the rejection of not being selected but I was still bitter I never got a “thank you for your submission, however, your work was not selected” email. Two weeks after discovering the meeting minutes, I revisited my email, and my irritation resurfaced that I STILL had not been notified of the rejection. If I were to offer the town feedback, the RFP should have said “only selected artists will be notified on [date]” (i.e., if you don’t hear from us, it ain’t you honey!).  

I wondered if the selected artists were even notified, or if the town expected them to dig around and find the meeting minutes like I did.

Perhaps the town expected each artist to call their office?  

How could the town leave all the artists who were not accepted in limbo? 

I’m sure the other artists like me had other projects in the pipeline they were waiting to schedule based on the mural project selection.

In the middle of May…after several emails to the town I did get an email saying my submission was not selected. The muralists selected, I gathered, were Asbury Park residents or artists with a large following. Perfectly understandable as the mission of beautifying Asbury Park is to attract more visitors. 

Rewind to when I initially discovered the meeting minutes from the town, I sent the news to Tanya that our design was not selected. 

She had the same reaction as me. BOOOOOOO! I laughed out loud when I read her text. I sent her images of the designs that were selected. She writes back, “Seriously?”

I write back, “I know.”  

Our friendship is 27 years old, so we have a knack for anticipating what the other one is thinking. I wanted to like all the mural designs (I really did!).  Our reaction was not born from jealousy. 

[Quick note:  If you are on the board and reading this, my apologies for the criticism!  Please know I am writing this to reflect on the topic of rejection and acceptance, not to evaluate the efforts of the town.  I do appreciate all that is done to incorporate art into our public lives!]

We took a closer look at the designs of the selected muralists. There was one standout design I loved. Another one I thought was a good choice and understood why it was selected.  We could get behind those two…. but felt confused about the others. Perhaps if we had the opportunity to read their artist statements, we wouldn’t feel so underwhelmed. Regardless, I send a heartfelt congrats to ALL the artists selected. I only feel love for people with a creative practice and the desire to share their work! I support you and can’t wait to see your completed murals.

Above: Selected designs for the 2023 Asbury Park Mural Project by Chloe Evangelista, Zachary Manning, Judi Hull, Jude Harzer, Ashley McFarland and Keely Angel

I wondered what demographic is on the board making the decisions.

Are they young and cool residents or retirees? 

Are they art lovers? 

What held the most weight in choosing the design?  Was it ocean imagery?  Representation of the community?  Offering an opportunity to a person of a marginalized group?  A design with a strong message versus one that will look good next to the other one?  

Of course, I was thrilled for those individuals who were chosen.  What an honor to have your work selected to be a part of Asbury’s history and landscape!

My thoughts went all over the place in the days following my rejection. That word sounds more aggressive than it feels for me, like a big red stamp across the forehead.  This rejection didn’t feel like a heartbreak.  It felt more like a discovery. Again, I heard my inner voice say, “There is no shortage of walls!” 

Where does this mural design want to live if not there in Asbury Park? 

The inner dialogue is so interesting. What do we tell ourselves when our work isn’t accepted, or we receive a rejection?  

I’m not good enough. 

It’s their loss.

Screw them. I don’t want their wall anyway !

[Hahahaha, I said this just to make myself laugh. 100% just kidding!  I would still love to paint a mural in Asbury.]

I am so relieved I won’t have to break my back painting this mural in one of my busiest months. 

That is one less thing to stress about!

However, I do want a projector badly and have no excuse to buy one now...

I don’t understand why the meeting minutes document says April 2024.

What is this rejection trying to teach me?  

I still have work to do.  I’m not ready (yet) or the world isn’t ready for me. 

It wasn’t the right time. 

It wasn’t a good fit.

There is another opportunity that needs me more.

Maybe I need to get better at writing and explaining the work.

I need to build a mural portfolio. 

The decision makers probably had more confidence it would be done on time based on what they could see of the other artists’ previous work experience.  

All I can do is my best.

This is what I always tell myself. 

Growth happens through failure. 

Through growth we realize success. 

Keep the faith.

I kept the faith. While chaperoning my middle son on a school field trip in New York City, I caught up with one of the other moms.  Her daughter is really into horses and riding.  I mentioned the mural submission and my disappointment.  I also summarized all my feelings about it, how proud I was of myself for trying, and what I learned along the way.

She suggested I submit a design for the Half Mile of Horses Art Walk in downtown Freehold, New Jersey.  She told me about this community project and sent me the application.  Four days later I submitted a watercolor painting of my design. Shortly after I received a wonderful email accepting my submission.  I was one of 18 artists selected to paint a horse sculpture!  

I would not have been available to paint the horse had I been selected for the mural in Asbury Park. There is no shortage of walls, and there is no shortage of ways and places to create art and share them with those around you.  

Accept the rejection, take a moment to feel all the feelings, reflect, and move forward by throwing yourself into the next opportunity!

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post.

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Stay inspired,

Melanka